My Mothers Mess

One of the crappiest things about rejection, is becoming afraid to ever be vulnerable for fear of it.

As I sit here in the E.R. waiting to find out if I have another bloodclot, I’m finding myself not even wanting to tell anyone. If I don’t tell anyone, then it won’t hurt when they don’t care.

At least my partner is with me this time.

So many emotions right now.

Something happens when you’re not good enough for your mother. It’s like this deep insecurity that, no matter what, you just can’t move past.

I mean, if your own mother can’t love you, can anyone really love you?

I’ve struggled with this for, about as long as I can remember. Normally I can push past it. Fortunately, I’m in a very secure and healthy relationship, and my partner can help me navigate my feelings pretty well along with many years with a great counselor.

But this week has been rough. We moved about 6 months ago, and I’ve yet to find my footing. The last time I had a conversation with my mom was around the same time. Life has been every changing since.

My sister is coming to visit, and my house is a mess. Tho if I’m being honest, my house is always a mess, I have 4 Young boys at home, and I’ve never been much of as cleaner. Anyways, my sister is coming over, she’s never been to my house, we are just establishing a relationship after all this biological father news. My anxiety and my insecurities are so full blown right now, it’s actually making me physically ill. I’m having symptoms from anxiety, that in 24 yrs I’ve never experienced.

Because….. If your own mother can’t love and accept you…. right?

Will she decide she in fact does not want a relationship with me because I have a pile of dirty laundry in the corner, clean clothes on the couch, or a cluttered counter top? Just typing this is taking my breath away. I mean, do I bathe the baby, or wash the dishes? The baby wins of course, but does that cost me having a relationship with a blood sister that I’ve always longed for?

Last night I contemplated just telling her I wasn’t up to it right now, because if she doesn’t really know me, she can’t reject me, right? But after taking to my partner, who insures me, she’ll love me no matter what my house looks like, I’ve decided to try to just stop the worrying pick up as I go through the day and let be what will be.

To you, this may just look like dinner, or maybe breakfast.

But to me….

This represents so much more. Growing up we called this dried beef gravy. I’ve heard some people eat it on toast and call it “shit on a single “.

This may be my favorite meal, a lover of carbs and worshiper of gravey, this is the perfect pair!

I don’t know how many times over my adult life, that I’ve begged and bargained for my mother to make this for me. Each time her expressing the time, above average abilities, and borderline nuisance it was. I’d buy the ingredients, clean the kitchen (Tidiness is not my strong suit), buy her coffee, feed her and my step dad then clean up after.

Never really paying attention, because, well it was difficult, so why?

I have an amazing husband, who is is damn near a culinary genius. I’m always trying to impress him with my cooking skills 😅.

One day he pointed out, that dried beef gravy that I would beg, barrow and steal for, was in fact, the same sausage gravy I make, but with dried beef in place of sausage!!!! What the hell??

That woman would make such a big deal over making me a meal that had 5 ingredients in it. She allowed me to think that there was no way I’d be able to match her skills.

Well, guess what’s for dinner tonight?!

I don’t know if its the stillness I am forced into right now, from a broken foot, or if its just my normal anxiety and insecurities.

We were supposed to go to JB’s for the weekend, some time to get to know each other, let the kids run outside, fish. We were leaving Friday. But Wednesday I woke up in excruciating pain in my foot and off to the Dr.s I went. Stress fracture, just what I need to muck up my plans!

Now I am sitting here full of all these emotions and feelings. I am worried that JB and his wife will be mad that we “wasted” their time by saying we’re coming, then not. I am feeling bitter and cheated out of having not known about this side of my family sooner.

I have a sister only a few hours away, whos children could be wonderful cousins to my own. My children have an aunt we could easily day trip to.

I have another sister, who may very well be my soul twin! When I see her FB posts its like she is me, in a different time and place. We both love to craft, care deeply about people, are generous, and lost to restore things. I feel so cheated when thinking about the time missed with this sister.

I know life works as it supposed to, and I have faith in the universe. We were put together at the right time, I suppose. But some days it sucks. And today, while I am laid up on the couch, all I can do is think about the sucky’ness of it all!

Well, My Birthday came, My sons Birthday came, and it was like just any other day when it comes to my family. Whats weird is tho, I had a party, and my son did to.

Other then my children and husband, my only other family member who came to my celebration, was my step father. I was so shocked and happy to see him there. He has always been the person I call when I need help, fixing something, figuring something out. hes who I would call if I was stranded. He used to drop me off at school, and my friends, he took me to the mall and was the person who went and got me pads, when I was in the 5th grade and started my period. Yes, you read that right. I did tell my mom. I was scared out of my mind. She didn’t say a word, and sent him to the store for me. I did get messages from J.B.’s family, that was nice. I can not count the effortless Facebook “happy birthdays” I got from my other family, as they would not count it from me.

Its crazy to me.

My brother and sister in law showed up to the babys Birthday party, and we brought granny. Its nuts to think tho, that my younger kids, have no active Grandparents, aunts/ uncles or cousins. I am so glad for our friends who we call family.

Some days are so much better then others. Today isn’t one of them.

It’s cold, I’m having a hard time focusing. My partner and I aren’t getting along.

They say we’re a reflection of our parents.

What does that mean? Does that cancel out the whole “Do as I say, and not as I do”? Because, a reflection is a mimicking movement, right?

What if we don’t know our parents? What if our parents are super nice, highly functional people? What if they’re not?

What if you suffer from addictions and your parents have never tried drugs, and are well rounded, hard working people with a healthy social life. What if your parents are a mess, and you manage to pull away and become well rounded and successful in what you do.

If you like, you can walk with me while I try and figure this out for myself. I’ve struggled for years with feelings of abandonment, anxiety, loneliness and low self worth. I’ve also always said that you have to be responsible for your feelings and accountable for your actions. Yet, eternally I blame my parents and my upbringing for my dysfunctional state of being.

I have thought about this a lot, especially over the last year. I can tell you what I am, I can tell you where I am. I can give you my name, age and  birth date, beyond that, I don’t know how to answer that question.

I am hoping that by letting myself be a little more vulnerable, and typing all this jumbled mess that’s in my mind and heart, that I can figure out (for myself) who exactly I am.

I am still trying to figure out how to sort all this out. Exactly how to process the first 40 years of my life.

Do I work it out in chapters, like: Year one…. Or do I sort it out by charters in my life… My mom… My dad… Or by events?

I am not sure what I have committed myself to, by deciding to heal myself. It sure would be easier to just curl up into a ball and avoid everything… But I will continue to go to therapy each week, and I will write everything down and just try and process it and let it all go.

I just want to be free of that hold my mother has on me.

So if you have any tips…