My Mothers Mess

Something happens when you’re not good enough for your mother. It’s like this deep insecurity that, no matter what, you just can’t move past.

I mean, if your own mother can’t love you, can anyone really love you?

I’ve struggled with this for, about as long as I can remember. Normally I can push past it. Fortunately, I’m in a very secure and healthy relationship, and my partner can help me navigate my feelings pretty well along with many years with a great counselor.

But this week has been rough. We moved about 6 months ago, and I’ve yet to find my footing. The last time I had a conversation with my mom was around the same time. Life has been every changing since.

My sister is coming to visit, and my house is a mess. Tho if I’m being honest, my house is always a mess, I have 4 Young boys at home, and I’ve never been much of as cleaner. Anyways, my sister is coming over, she’s never been to my house, we are just establishing a relationship after all this biological father news. My anxiety and my insecurities are so full blown right now, it’s actually making me physically ill. I’m having symptoms from anxiety, that in 24 yrs I’ve never experienced.

Because….. If your own mother can’t love and accept you…. right?

Will she decide she in fact does not want a relationship with me because I have a pile of dirty laundry in the corner, clean clothes on the couch, or a cluttered counter top? Just typing this is taking my breath away. I mean, do I bathe the baby, or wash the dishes? The baby wins of course, but does that cost me having a relationship with a blood sister that I’ve always longed for?

Last night I contemplated just telling her I wasn’t up to it right now, because if she doesn’t really know me, she can’t reject me, right? But after taking to my partner, who insures me, she’ll love me no matter what my house looks like, I’ve decided to try to just stop the worrying pick up as I go through the day and let be what will be.